I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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