Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
