soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
