If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
