Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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