Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
