did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Everclear isn't food dammit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He did a backflip because drugs
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