Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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