Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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