I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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