i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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