Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
