Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
