the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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