We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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