The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
