its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Randomize
