Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
