just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
