woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
