Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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