I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
