I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
