I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You left your phone here
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