We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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