i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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