even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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