Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
