i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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