I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
