I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
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Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
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I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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