Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just want nice things and good sex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
