someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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