Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
