I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
