You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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