is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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