I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
