Swine flu. Run for my life!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
