Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
