she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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