so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
