and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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