Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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