genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
