Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
