I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
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