she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
