you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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