Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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