i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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