I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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