so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
