Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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