I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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